My Dad Had The Numbers

In my own adult life, I have seen the destructive psychological grip of intermittent reinforcement, although my reward was not the “win” of gambling. For me it was the crumbs of affection and validation from a terrifically emotionally abusive partner.


Keep Your F**king Mouth Shut (and other expressions of affection)

There are a lot of things we are not supposed to talk about. Things that we are supposed to keep secret or just not air out. There are things that are embarrassing to ourselves or others and there are things that would cause real hurt or create all sorts of inconveniences if we discuss them in the open. There are things we can only say quietly. And things that you JUST DON'T SAY. All of those things are problematic to me.

I’m OK but Here’s 7 Habits and 10 Stupid Ways to Win Friends on the Road Less Traveled with Self-Help Books from Mars and Venus.

All those words I had carefully pored over and all that advice that I had often even highlighted or written down to refer back to and nothing seemed to fill the void that I felt made me so abnormal and made everything feel so complicated. I KNEW all the keys to happiness and healthy relationships, and yet I was completely incapable of actually making it happen.

If You Wonder Why We Can’t Leave. Part 1

When the crying child is immediately isolated, and it is explained to him at the same time that whoever annoys others must not be with them, if this isolation is the absolute result and cannot be avoided, in the child's mind a basis is laid for the experience that one must be alone when one … Continue reading If You Wonder Why We Can’t Leave. Part 1

If You Wonder Why We Can’t Leave. Part 2

There is nothing reasonable to it. We KNOW that it makes no sense. We KNOW that we should just tell them to fuck off and that we aren’t going to accept this anymore. We KNOW that when they start to say shitty things or act in disrespectful ways that we SHOULD just leave the situation and not allow it to escalate. But we don’t. We can’t do that. Because the escalation is the only thing that overrides that disquieted programming that makes us think that if we could just do better, be better, love them more, then the crumbs of intense adoration and connection will turn into whole loaves and we will be nourished forever by their undying love.

Because “Interesting” is a Subjective Word

Someone told me that I should post interesting facts about myself and then a couple of pics of myself. Get prepared!  Because the details of my life are REALLY thrilling. Fact # 1. I have considered myself a writer since high school. "Oh?" you may ask. "Where would I have seen your numerous pieces and … Continue reading Because “Interesting” is a Subjective Word

The Ghost of Birthdays Past

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. As a 40-something adult, I really shouldn't give a shit about birthdays anymore. In fact, I should, like many of my friends, have a fake birth date and year on my social media pages so that I don't even have to be reminded about it there. But my birthday falls … Continue reading The Ghost of Birthdays Past

Those few hours are better than nothing.

Every morning I wake up before my alarm goes off. I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep but feel an unidentifiable unease and discomfort that makes it impossible. When I begin to drift off again, a sense of panic jolts me awake. This happens over and over and over and I don't … Continue reading Those few hours are better than nothing.